We took a vacation that was much needed since we are so stressed our health has begun to suffer. My PMLE (Polymophic Light Eruption)has been acting up and it is said that it is emotionally active. Frank's stress leaves him exhausted. The vacation cost us little since Frank was able to call in many favors of friends that enabled us to eat drink and be merry. I can never thank them all for doing all they did to see that our kids had a decent vacation. We had not been to the beach together since WELL before Ella was born. I'm thinking we also never took Ava to the beach together, that it was before she was born. So, it was a wonderful thing, this vacation. It is amazing to see how everyone cares for Frank. They did all sorts of things for us and the kids, from a free soft drinks to gift certificates for a dinner, a bag of tokens for video games and laundry, a free appetizer, free refills for the kids at places where you don't get them, etc. Everyone wanted pictures and email from us and want us to come back as soon as we can. It was so sweet.
Now it is time to try to finagle the finances to afford school supplies, clothing, Ella's birthday, a car tag renewal, and, of course, groceries. Let me be clear and honest. We have not been able to pay our house payment in eight months. We were able to hold on a while with our savings after the bottom dropped out of the car market in December 2008, after the election. Once that was used up, we struggled to make the mortgage and finally could no longer afford it. We are trying to refinance our home and stay in it. We are desperate. We hired a friend of a friend that is helping us and he is trying to help us negotiate a payment we can afford. We are scared and it goes without saying, STRESSED. I don't think we could even afford an apartment.We are trying to save but even saving half the payment is very hard. We were just making it before and now with 33% cut, that we are not making it at all. I have tried to find work from home because there is nothing out there that will pay daycare during the summer. Hopefully, when the kids are in school I can find something but so far there is nothing out there. I would need to make $17/hour and work from 9:30 to 2:30 in order to overcome the tax bracket. That is about impossible. Also, I would have to quit when next summer comes. Work from home would be better, but that is apparently a dream that does not come true very often, like winning the lottery. We told the girls they will not be going to the Delta Fair this fall, that they can't take dance probably, that we are taking lunch to school more often rather than eat hot lunch. They seem to understand. They were so thankful over the vacation. It is sad to see them try to play the piano and they ask for lessons, it just breaks my heart. There is a limited time window that learning an instrument is hard wired into the brain. That window is passing them by. I feel guilty all of the time.
If I buy them clothes at Wal-Mart, $8 each that's $24 I feel guilty for spending. Then all their friends are wearing Limited Too or Justice and I feel guilty for not spending. Guilt has many streets it seems. Frank feels it more than me since he is the "bread winner". The uncertainty is driving me crazy. It's so suspenseful this touch and go with the mortgage company.
Plus, our neighbor is driving us nuts, because she IS nuts. She called the police while we were gone, we think something about the dog. Maybe about the pool, who knows? We feel like she is watching us all the time and I am tired of answering the door to find the police here for some crazy thing she has imagined.
I simply must find a job!! I must....
Departure into fantasy is the only thing keeping us going. If we win the lottery this week we are moving to Florida. I will buy expensive gauzy clothing to wear over my sensitive skin and we will live right on the beach. The dog will have his own bedroom, the guest room. Visitors will be welcome but only if they don't mind sleeping with dogs.
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